Our Own Little Barriers And Layers

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I went to visit my mom – who’s on deployment – and had not much internet access.

I have a barrier to protect myself from the world. Or at least, I used to. A barrier is what you use to protect your emotions, one of my old friends told me.
There’s a lot of problems in the world that most of the time, most of us don’t want to see. A lot of times, people say things that hurt us mentally or emotionally. Inside a barrier, we could remained untouched.

Or so we liked to think.

Also, barriers could keep people from seeing the real you, just how layers work, too. If you’re someone like me, who has a lot of layers, then it’s awfully easy to be misunderstood, or thought to be a bad person when – in the inside – we’re really good people.

People, everybody, needs to stop looking at the most few outer layers. There are too many layers to count, and the outer ones aren’t who we really are.



What Do You Plan for the Future?

Well, sorry, guys, for missing my I-have-a-post! deadline (just to put it out there, I’m supposed to post something new every Saturday). So, here’s a post.

We all have something we look forward to. It could be something nearly impossible, or something that anyone could do if they put their heart into it. But no matter what, if we have a dream, we should be trying to reach it. Even for children, we should be doing something that could take us a step closer to what we want to be. If you want to be a dancer, then practice every day. If you want to be an architect, then start drawing. If you want to be a fashion stylist, then start sewing.

There’s nothing that you can’t do to reach your dreams.

But that doesn’t mean we won’t struggle as if we’re going through murky waters and climbing over walls to reach our dreams. Wherever we go, there’s somebody who’s going to push us down over and over again. But it’s okay. It’s okay as long as we try not to give up.

Yet, it’s okay to give up sometimes. It’s okay not to be able to sing that one song. It’s okay not to be able to draw a perfect window. Because we aren’t perfect at all. We all have our own flaws. The thing we have to remember is, it’s okay to have flaws. If we think we don’t have flaws, then we’re wrong. We just can’t see all of them, or maybe we see all of them. But accepting those flaws is the hardest part. If we don’t accept them, then we won’t go anywhere with life. By accepting our flaws, we’re showing that we’re ready to face them.

I feel as if I’m contradicting myself here. Okay, then, now it’s review time. We can reach our dreams if we really work hard enough, but life is a hard road. You have to know when it’s okay to give up and when it’s not okay to give up, and it’s important to accept our flaws. Got it? I hope so, because I’m a very contradictory person.

Back to the subject, we sometimes won’t be able to reach our dreams as fast as we wanted to. But that’s okay, because every little step counts when we’re trying to catch our dreams. If you can’t leap, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. If you can’t crawl, still, don’t stop trying.

Sometimes, it’s okay if we don’t reach our ultimate dream. It’s okay if I don’t become a famous, known-world-wide author. If I’m famous in the city I live in, then yes! I’ll be happy! Another example is this: My mom always wanted to be a doctor. But as time went on, it would cost too much money and probably take her too long to become a doctor while being a mother to her children, so she decided to simply be a nurse. It was close enough to her dream to be happy.

As I said, it’s okay to give up sometimes.

Well, to whoever’s reading this, I wish you my best wishes for catching your dreams. Oh, a good quote, “You can’t catch your dreams until you let go of them.”

Getting Rid of All the Memories

So, today my family had to start getting rid of all the toys that we played with when we were younger. We don’t have to get rid of all of them, just half. But it’s hard. Do my parents expect me to get rid of half of my memories? Each and every little toy reminds me of a day when I was younger when I was happy, when I had no worries whatsoever. Once I get rid of them, I won’t be able to remember so clearly anymore. I might forget it altogether.

I don’t want to forget any of the memories I had when I was younger. Good or bad, they are my life. They make up every piece of what I was, what I am, and what I will be. How could I – how dare I – even think about getting rid of them? Every book, every toy, every poster, every story, and every small thing I have to get rid of is part of my life.

To quote Momiji from Fruits Basket, “But I think… I want to live with all my memories. Even if they’re bad memories. Even if they’re memories that only hurt me… that I’d rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I’ll be strong enough that those memories can’t defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there’s no such thing as a memory that’s ok to forget.”

Those horrible memories that made me want to hurt myself long ago only make me stronger now. The fact that I was able to withstand the torture makes me worthier than all those others who gave up. Anyone, everyone, whoever is able to withstand the hurting is someone strong.

When we cry, we are brave. Not everyone is able to shed tears. Some people think that being emotionless is better than breaking down. No. NO. The people who cry, the people who scream, the people who have their hearts broken, the people who die over and over again are brave.

We, we are more human than the rest.

If you think that crying is weak, if you think that the smallest things are useless, you are wrong. We are strong. We are brave. And we are true to our emotions.

Faking emotions is so much worse than crying in public. Faking happiness is wrong.

Be true to yourself, and be strong.

You are real.

No matter what religion you are, no matter where you come from, you are a real person. Appearances can fade away, while the real you will continue living.

I think it’s horrible how people look at each other and judge on their gender, religion, sexuality, race, and so many other things. Though people say they don’, everyone assumes something about someone – it’s really hard not to once you’ve seen them act the same way over and over again. Who knows, maybe that person you’re saying bad things about will be your greatest friend one day. Not just that – it hurts the other person’s feelings. I’m telling you, for years I was quiet and reading books all the time, and everyone assumed I was really shy or I didn’t want friends, and that hurt.

Truly, I think that people have layers of personalities – quoting Shrek, “Ogres are like onions…they both have layers.” – and when we meet someone for the first time, we don’t see their whole life, we don’t see the whole picture. We only see a segment, and usually the little segment that they want to show us, maybe to impress us. People do that all the time – saying things or acting so they impress other people, and that’s one way assumptions start.

The thing is, it’s okay to try to impress people. But overdoing it and not being any part of who you really are is not the way to do it. Because if you’re pretending to be someone else, other people will think you’re the kind of person they’ll want to hang around with, but when you show your true colors, they could be just really confused, and they might not want to be your friend anymore.

Another thing that we have to learn to do is to accept people the way they are. Because other people are real, too, and they have feelings that can easily be hurt. If you’ve been friends with someone with a long while, then you realize that they’re a different religion, it’s not going to be the best idea to force them to convert. The best thing you could do is tell them about your religion if they’re interested, because doing anything else could end your friendship with them.

Though we may not know it, though we think changes do come and change us, we will always stay as the same person we’ve been for a long time.

We, we are real.

The post for the people who are hurting.

So, on the forums I go to, people were saying I was a strong girl at heart.
I found this really touching.
But then I realized, all of us are strong in our own ways. Just listen to me first before you think this is a dumb post about happiness. In fact, it’s not. This is a post about all of our problems.

I found that everyone, even the happiest person I know, has our own problems. We have our own dark side. It varies from person to person. It hurts to be one of the people who can never be accepted into society because of how those people look, or how they act, or even how great they are. The human race is a dumb race. We push out the people who can help us, the people who are different, but who can understand in a weird way.
I’ve been one of those people who push away the people who can help. In fact, I still do.

This is the post for the people who are hurting.
This is the post for the people who want to die.
This is the post for the people who are hurting, want to die, but will still never give up.

In one of the books I’ve read, the main character was so tired, she could barely walk. She kept on looking forward at a rock, or tree, or branch, and she told herself to reach that point. Every time she reached the current point, she’d look for another object to reach.
Same thing in real life–we have to look forward. What do you want to do in life? Do you want to go to college, even if you’re old in age? Do you want to get married? Do you want to go to the moon? Publish a book? Invent something?
See, the things that make us go on in life–it’s always a dream or a wish. For me, one of my hopes for the future is to be the older sister to my younger sister that I never had.
The point is, look forward and find a milestone in your life, and when you reach it, continue and find your next milestone. And the thing is, when you’re tired, every single step is a milestone.

But, the thing is, even if we do reach our dreams, even if we did our best and are happy, it doesn’t mean that the troubles are gone.
But then that leads to a question.
Are you the person who runs away from the problem?
Are you the person who just gives way and does nothing?
Or are you the person who will stand up for what you think is right?

Life isn’t about being like everyone else in the world. It’s about shining. Do you ever look up in the night sky and see the stars? There are billions of them, but they are never the same as the one that seems right next to it. We’re all special. We’re all unique.
So stop trying to be the same as everyone else.

I guess that’s all for now. But I really hope that this means something to you.
Because it should.

Determination and Self-Esteem

All my life, I’ve been wondering what my purpose was.
I think I might have found it.
But first, I think I’ll share something to you that I’ve learned.
When you fall, you get back up.
Did you ever ask yourself why?

I don’t really believe in energy. When we get tired, it’s because we’re mentally exhausted and we lost the joy we had earlier. But sometimes, for some people like me, you might lose all your “energy.” Recently, I spent a whole day falling onto my knees and sobbing.
I lost my hope in everything.
On another website, I said that hope was the main center of life. I think I’m contradicting myself now.
It’s not hope, it’s determination.
That day, all those times I feel down, I asked myself, Why did I want to live?
I can tell the answer to that.
I always wanted to be a writer. It’s a dream that I’ve been keeping for a long time. But for some reason, no one I know in real life believes I can be a famous author. Not even my own brothers. But I’m determined to keep trying.
All those times I fell down, it took my determination to bring myself back up. I cared about my little sister. If I fell apart, if I even died, she would be hurt. She would miss me. And, as time passes by, she would forget the older sister who cared about her that the older sister wouldn’t even give up.
Why is it that an inexperienced dancer will keep trying to dance better than all the rest? It can be pride. It could be hope. But you know what I think it is?
Determination. Determination to be the best. Determination that she could prove to herself that she was good.

In my life, I’ve barely had any self-esteem. My brothers thought I was weak and my parents thought I was a nuisance most of the time. Whenever I did anything, they didn’t say anything nice to me, and I though I was always doing wrong. Back then, it was me who crumpled my own dreams. I always told myself that I was horrible. That everyone hated me. That they loved to laugh at me. That I was dumb. That I was horrid. That the whole world wouldn’t mind if I died, not even God.
I believed it all.
I can’t remember how I lived through those years. I forgot. But it included crying myself to sleep every night and wondering if the pain, the torture, would ever end.
There’s always a spring after a winter.
But maybe I died before the spring came.

But, I went on a young writer’s website one day. And about a month later, I went on the forums. That was the most memorable day of my life. They accepted me. And when I showed them my writings, my poems, my own heart, they accepted me. Some of them said they even cried.
Cry for me?
Or so I believed

And still, all those internet friends I made. I think those are more precious than the people in real life. And I’m sorry for that. But everyone abandoned me in those years that I needed them most, and the Wrimos, all my internet friends, brought me back.
And I changed.
Sure, I don’t have a huge amount of self-esteem. But these people made me believe again. In the world, in the people I know in real life, and myself.
We should seriously give ourselves a second chance, and maybe a pat on the back every once in a while.

So, if you’re in the dumps, then remember that there will always be someone who can believe in you. It’s important. Don’t hurt yourself because the world wants to hurt you. You are amazing, no matter who you are or what you do for a living. Make sure you’re determined to do the best.