Determination and Self-Esteem

All my life, I’ve been wondering what my purpose was.
I think I might have found it.
But first, I think I’ll share something to you that I’ve learned.
When you fall, you get back up.
Did you ever ask yourself why?

I don’t really believe in energy. When we get tired, it’s because we’re mentally exhausted and we lost the joy we had earlier. But sometimes, for some people like me, you might lose all your “energy.” Recently, I spent a whole day falling onto my knees and sobbing.
I lost my hope in everything.
On another website, I said that hope was the main center of life. I think I’m contradicting myself now.
It’s not hope, it’s determination.
That day, all those times I feel down, I asked myself, Why did I want to live?
I can tell the answer to that.
I always wanted to be a writer. It’s a dream that I’ve been keeping for a long time. But for some reason, no one I know in real life believes I can be a famous author. Not even my own brothers. But I’m determined to keep trying.
All those times I fell down, it took my determination to bring myself back up. I cared about my little sister. If I fell apart, if I even died, she would be hurt. She would miss me. And, as time passes by, she would forget the older sister who cared about her that the older sister wouldn’t even give up.
Why is it that an inexperienced dancer will keep trying to dance better than all the rest? It can be pride. It could be hope. But you know what I think it is?
Determination. Determination to be the best. Determination that she could prove to herself that she was good.

In my life, I’ve barely had any self-esteem. My brothers thought I was weak and my parents thought I was a nuisance most of the time. Whenever I did anything, they didn’t say anything nice to me, and I though I was always doing wrong. Back then, it was me who crumpled my own dreams. I always told myself that I was horrible. That everyone hated me. That they loved to laugh at me. That I was dumb. That I was horrid. That the whole world wouldn’t mind if I died, not even God.
I believed it all.
I can’t remember how I lived through those years. I forgot. But it included crying myself to sleep every night and wondering if the pain, the torture, would ever end.
There’s always a spring after a winter.
But maybe I died before the spring came.

But, I went on a young writer’s website one day. And about a month later, I went on the forums. That was the most memorable day of my life. They accepted me. And when I showed them my writings, my poems, my own heart, they accepted me. Some of them said they even cried.
Cry for me?
Or so I believed

And still, all those internet friends I made. I think those are more precious than the people in real life. And I’m sorry for that. But everyone abandoned me in those years that I needed them most, and the Wrimos, all my internet friends, brought me back.
And I changed.
Sure, I don’t have a huge amount of self-esteem. But these people made me believe again. In the world, in the people I know in real life, and myself.
We should seriously give ourselves a second chance, and maybe a pat on the back every once in a while.

So, if you’re in the dumps, then remember that there will always be someone who can believe in you. It’s important. Don’t hurt yourself because the world wants to hurt you. You are amazing, no matter who you are or what you do for a living. Make sure you’re determined to do the best.


Falling in a Nightmare (another one of my poems)

I know I need to find an answer soon,
Everything hurts, and I want the pain to go away,
Yet the pain is not physical, but it hurts much worse,
And I have to bear it every day.

I can’t ever be more than I am,
And I feel lost more than ever,
Why expect more of me?
But people will, forever and ever.

Losing grip on reality,
It’s slipping from my hands,
The sea of despair takes me,
I’m sinking in quicksand.

Shake me awake; don’t listen to my protests,
Remind me that it’s only just a dream,
It’s tearing me apart, or at least I think,
And I can’t trust you, or any other, as nothing is as it seems.

Always, always, I remember one thing:
What comes before a reality?
Before the reality is a dream,
As we dream in fantasies.

When we fall, you must get back up,
There will always be a time when you’ll stumble,
When broken, you have to fix yourself,
But beside a mountain, you can easily crumble.

I’ll never say yes,
But I can’t say no,
I can try my best,
But I still don’t know which way to go.