Determination and Self-Esteem

All my life, I’ve been wondering what my purpose was.
I think I might have found it.
But first, I think I’ll share something to you that I’ve learned.
When you fall, you get back up.
Did you ever ask yourself why?

I don’t really believe in energy. When we get tired, it’s because we’re mentally exhausted and we lost the joy we had earlier. But sometimes, for some people like me, you might lose all your “energy.” Recently, I spent a whole day falling onto my knees and sobbing.
I lost my hope in everything.
On another website, I said that hope was the main center of life. I think I’m contradicting myself now.
It’s not hope, it’s determination.
That day, all those times I feel down, I asked myself, Why did I want to live?
I can tell the answer to that.
I always wanted to be a writer. It’s a dream that I’ve been keeping for a long time. But for some reason, no one I know in real life believes I can be a famous author. Not even my own brothers. But I’m determined to keep trying.
All those times I fell down, it took my determination to bring myself back up. I cared about my little sister. If I fell apart, if I even died, she would be hurt. She would miss me. And, as time passes by, she would forget the older sister who cared about her that the older sister wouldn’t even give up.
Why is it that an inexperienced dancer will keep trying to dance better than all the rest? It can be pride. It could be hope. But you know what I think it is?
Determination. Determination to be the best. Determination that she could prove to herself that she was good.

In my life, I’ve barely had any self-esteem. My brothers thought I was weak and my parents thought I was a nuisance most of the time. Whenever I did anything, they didn’t say anything nice to me, and I though I was always doing wrong. Back then, it was me who crumpled my own dreams. I always told myself that I was horrible. That everyone hated me. That they loved to laugh at me. That I was dumb. That I was horrid. That the whole world wouldn’t mind if I died, not even God.
I believed it all.
I can’t remember how I lived through those years. I forgot. But it included crying myself to sleep every night and wondering if the pain, the torture, would ever end.
There’s always a spring after a winter.
But maybe I died before the spring came.

But, I went on a young writer’s website one day. And about a month later, I went on the forums. That was the most memorable day of my life. They accepted me. And when I showed them my writings, my poems, my own heart, they accepted me. Some of them said they even cried.
Cry for me?
Or so I believed

And still, all those internet friends I made. I think those are more precious than the people in real life. And I’m sorry for that. But everyone abandoned me in those years that I needed them most, and the Wrimos, all my internet friends, brought me back.
And I changed.
Sure, I don’t have a huge amount of self-esteem. But these people made me believe again. In the world, in the people I know in real life, and myself.
We should seriously give ourselves a second chance, and maybe a pat on the back every once in a while.

So, if you’re in the dumps, then remember that there will always be someone who can believe in you. It’s important. Don’t hurt yourself because the world wants to hurt you. You are amazing, no matter who you are or what you do for a living. Make sure you’re determined to do the best.


One Last Time (one of my poems)

I wanted to see you one last time,
Before you left me forever,
What more could I ask?
All I want is my sister.

I wanted to tell you one last time,
That I loved you,
But I didn’t, and my sorrow is too huge,
Much too huge to be true.

I wanted to say I couldn’t survive without you,
That I just can’t live on any more,
But then I thought of what you would think of me,
You would help me like when I was sore.

I wanted to hug you one last time,
To kiss you on the cheek,
But you left without letting me,
And that left a long, hurting streak.

I wanted to just see you one last time,
Before you left me forever,
What more could I ask?
All I want is my sister.

I wanted to be assured that everything was okay, one last time,
That I was a good girl,
That you were there for me,
But I had to learn that this was a cruel world.

I wanted you to be by my side, one last time,
Just that you may give me advice,
But of course it won’t happen,
Only if fate was nice.

I wanted to read with you at night, one last time,
That we may enjoy one more book,
I would cry and ask you to read again,
You would say that tomorrow we would take another look,

I wanted to just see you one last time,
Before you left me forever,
What more could I ask?
All I want is my sister.

I wanted to fall apart, for I knew there were no last times,
To die, to be taken to pieces,
I never thought I could live without you,
Even if I had a life of silks and laces.

I wish I could hold you, sister, one last time,
You were my idol, you were my north star,
You were the one I looked up to,
You were the one who took my dreams afar,

I wish that life was nice, for one last time,
I wish that I could do everything with you,
Things that would last a lifetime,
Things that were nice and new,

I wish that tears don’t fall, for one last time,
I wish that my heart could mend,
I wish it could heal,
But I just lost my best friend.

I wanted to just see you one last time,
Before you left me forever,
What more could I ask?
All I want is my sister.